Q. My son just turned 18 and I don't know what to do with him. He won't keep a job, he doesn't pay me rent, and he won't help out around the house. Any time I bring up that he needs to help he creates a fight with me and then won't talk to me for days. What should I do?
~~GK, Florida
A: GK, you don't say if your son is still in high school. If he is, then you're stuck with him at home at least until he graduates. But you need to make it clear that, come graduation time, he has two choices: either continue to live at home for as long as you allow it, and live under your rules including paying rent, helping out with household chores, and curfews; or get a job, move out and become an independent adult. Draw up a chart specifying what he must agree to while living at home, including holding down a job, how much rent he must pay (and how many hours he'll have to work to earn that much), which household chores he's responsible for, and when he needs to be home at night. You can also include the benefits he'll receive from this arrangement, such as not paying full price for room and board, having someone to fix his meals and do his laundry, and living in a comfortable environment. This kind of contract will help him see both the benefits and the drawbacks of living at home.
Then, draw up a similar chart for living on his own. The benefits include privacy, freedom to make his own decisions and come and go as he pleases, and independence. The drawbacks include a higher cost of living and a lower quality of life in terms of environment. Help him determine how much rent he could expect to pay for a typical one-bedroom apartment, how much utilities and phone would run, how much he might spend on food and gas, and what kind of furnishings he might need to purchase. Then, show him how many hours he'd have to work at minimum wage, taking taxes and social security deductions into account, in order to support himself.
Give him the specific date by which you expect him to either start earning his keep, or move out. Tell him you'll support either decision, and if he decides to move out, you'd be glad to help him find an apartment and a job if he so desires. When the time comes, you must be firm. If he refuses to cooperate, wait until he's out of the house one day, then put all his things outside on the lawn. Call a locksmith if you have to and change the locks. It's hard, but you're not doing him any favors by allowing him to remain a spoiled child, with no responsibility for his own welfare. Booting this overgrown baby bird out of the nest might be the best, kindest thing you can for him in the long run. Hang in there!
~The Vixen
