A Brand New Me
By Cindy Walker

I had something happen this month, and while it did not happen to me personally, it did happen to someone I know. It made me stop and think – in the general scheme of things, why is it so important for me to look the way society dictates? In this ride we call life, which is long for some and incredibly, unexplainably short for others, why do we focus on trivial matters like how big our butts are or how much our thighs jiggle when we walk? Why can't I stop and count my blessings instead of seeing what I don't have? What has me in this mood? I had to watch a mother and father say goodbye to their nine month old baby girl. I can only imagine, and I pray to God I never have to experience, the pain and heartache this family is going through. It really makes my problems look insignificant and meaningless.

But life goes on. This feeling will pass, and I will again focus on my grandma tummy, big butt and jiggly thighs. I will continue to work on feeling better about myself and adjusting my outlook on everything – especially me. I will try to find the positives in the negatives and keep my focus on that positive side.

I had hoped to be able to interview Kirsty Alley for this column as I felt she would be an inspiration to us. However, it seems that is not to be as I have had no response from anyone in any way, shape, or form. I would imagine she is bombarded with thousands of requests for interviews, so why would little ol' me be singled out as being important enough to conduct an interview with her? That's OK. Someday people will be beating down our door to have an interview or be in our magazine. You watch and see.

This play has been keeping me very busy, which is good because I'm not just sitting in front of my TV stuffing my face. But in other ways it's not. This hasn't been a fun or satisfying experience this time out. I find I'm depressed a lot, really questioning my abilities, and doubting myself. I was not in the play but I was behind the scenes. Usually I'm extremely busy and very much a part of things. But this time was really different. I felt like I was constantly being beat down and made to look bad. I dearly love the lady who's directing, but she is quite the diva. She says she's a perfectionist, which she is, but it's also a lot of ego.

You see, we had trouble finding someone who would be willing to direct this play, so I had thought about trying my hand a directing a full play. We had both directed a One Act play, and she swore up and down she'd never direct again. Well, when she found out I was thinking about directing this one, she basically said no in a way that made me think she thought I was not capable of doing it. So I agreed to be her assistant director. The things she told me I'd be doing didn't happen because she did them. I wasn't permitted to read lines when a cast member was absent – she had another cast member or her daughter do it. Most of the time she would read the part herself. She took away my assistant director duties, put me as stage manger, then proceeded to do the stage managing/directing herself. And because of how she's treated me, the cast has taken their cue from her and pretty much treats me the same way. They don't think I can handle anything and have even wondered aloud why I'm there. It's a long story, but what it boils down to is this – everyone has had their chance to shine in this production except me. Even my stage hands get kudos from people, but I am totally and completely ignored. Some of the people won't even talk to me. It hurts, and I feel like a great big zero. Doesn't do much in the “trying to like me” department.    more >>