The Deafening Sound
by Diana Tierney

Silence. It's deafening. I can be physically exhausted with the TV and lights on. I'd be yawning up a storm but then the TV and lights go out and it is maddening silence. I have to say that the silence is the worst when you are by yourself. It's easy to get over an empty bed. To not have that big lump next to me snoring like a grizzly bear. I never realized that I would not be able to sleep with out my slightly twisted lullaby of snores. I have never lived alone in my life, I went from family, to roommate, to live in boyfriend and when my husband was sent across the country for training shortly after we were married I was living with my father-in-law. I cannot get over the irony that I have not lived alone until I got married, when you are not supposed to live alone anymore.

Without that lullaby I have spent sleepless nights watching Sex and the City, Charmed and a series of random movies from my DVD collection. Sleeping pills had been recommended to me once. I considered it for only a moment. The thought was tempting but then I was reminded of my –oholic phobias. These phobias include (and are not limited to) Alcoholic, Shopoholic, caffineoholic, foodohlic and pilloholic. Needless to say I turned down the pills.

In general, American wives today have so much pressure to be perfect. Hold down a job, handle the kids, have the perfect marriage with the perfect Martha Stewart house. Being an Army wife, I feel these pressures amplified. There is this stigma of the Americana, 1950's June Cleaver wife, in a new millennium. Image is everything. And it's a wonder that the Army doctors are so eager to pass out pills (like Prozac) like they were aspirin. I'm sorry, I thought we moved past the age of volume prescriptions.

From the time I wake up I think about what I have to do: plan the party, clean the house, do the shopping, the laundry, the dishes, walk the dogs and a slew of other items on my never ending to-do list. I move from one task to another like a bumblebee moves from flower to flower. After a while I began to feel like a robot going through the motions but as each day progressed I felt more and more numb.

When a spouse deploys there is a grocery list of advice that you are given to make things better or at least seem that way. The main one that you hear from everyone is “Stay busy. It makes time go by faster.” So I found myself repeating it like a broken record. I had turned into a mindless robot allowing this phrase to be programmed into my head as I went about tasks that were supposed to make my life better. When someone asked me how I was, I repeated without thinking, “I am fine...keeping busy.” I did my daily tasks and I went to this    more >>