Dear Diary

    Just when you think your life is all planned out, Fate comes along and throws it into chaos, turning everything completely upside down.
    You see, I wasn't in a “happy” marriage, but it wasn't bad either. The two of us had grown very far apart, and it seemed we were just two people living in the same house who happened to have a couple of kids together.
    So I was lonely, but I accepted things as they were for the prospect of being on my own was daunting. It was much safer and more secure to be married. Besides, I'd only ever known one man in the biblical sense, and the thought of dating or sexual relations with another man frightened me.
    My confidence was nonexistent, and I didn't think any man would ever look at me again, much less want to...well, you know. To go hand-in-hand with the zero confidence, I had let myself go, reaching heights in my weight I hadn't seen since pregnancy.
    But then, that mischievous imp known as Fate touched her finger to the waters and cast me upon stormy seas. Thus, I found myself entering the new millennium, 41 years old and facing divorce. So how does this all relate to a fantasy you may ask? Well, sit back, relax, and let me tell you my tale.
    Though the divorce went smoothly and I thought we were acting like adults, I discovered several months after everything was final, the man I had trusted implicitly, the man I truly believed in my heart would never lie to me, and honestly cared for me, was in fact, the consummate liar. He'd been having an affair and decided to leave me for a “better, happier” life with her. The realization that our entire twenty something years together had meant nothing to him, to know he had taken my trust and twisted it, was devastating. I wanted to die.
    In a way, I did die. I shut down. I closed doors. I did everything I could to protect myself, and that meant keeping men at a distance. I didn't dare to trust or allow myself to have feelings for one again. I needed to heal, and that was the only way I knew how.
    Quite a few years passed, and I was still hidden away in my safe little world. I had gotten my life back together, somewhat, and had grown stronger in a lot of ways. Yet, I still refused to open my heart and feel again. Instead of diminishing, my fear of intimacy had grown.   more >>