How often have we heard it suggested, that “we create our own reality”? Or, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”? I am sure each one of you can come up with another saying, quotation, idiom or mental muse that brings to light the fallibility of our perception of ourselves, the world around us, or those we find we focus on, for whatever reason.

These thoughts surfaced recently when I received an e-mail from a client:

My insecurities are going to be the death of me. My insecurities ruin everything. I think Mike is going to dump me as soon as the play is over. I think I'm going to cry.

This client needed a quick fix -- a band aid. So I wrote back:

Take a deep breath. Your imagination is creating the world for you right now, and it is being fed with your insecurities.  For each negative thought, counter with the positive opposite.

It was a stop-gap measure. And one that could be done, as this client is very self-aware and monitors herself constantly, maybe too much. There comes a time in a day, a situation, or emotional exercise, that requires we turn away from the stage, and stop watching ourselves interact with the other players. We tend to project ourselves on the world and are stunned at what we see when the world mirrors our projection.

The client responded:

Yes.  I suppose I am allowing my imagination to take precedence. I just can't imagine why he would let me go, yet I can't imagine why he wouldn't.  I am such a Pisces.

Through it all, this woman was being guided by her imagination. How is imagination defined? “…the act of forming mental images of what is not actually present…” (Webster's New World Dictionary)

This woman is not unique. We all create images of ourselves, and others, based on certain elements.
Past Experience and Programming
Chemicals – natural or not
Those we emulate and Those we do not
Our Desires
Our Immediate Expectations
and Our Reaction to Current Life Issues

That is a nutshell mold, but for our purposes, it provides us a point for reconciliation with ourselves. If we can fill in the blanks that surround the short list above, we may have a fairly workable picture of who we are when we look in the mirror. And, trust me, what you see is substantially different then what someone else sees. They have their own short list to work through.

So, are we all strangers in a strange world shaking hands with aliens? Maybe not literally, but so many of us run our needs out front, long before we get a glimpse of who we are exposing our self too, or, why we picked them to get a look at us.

It has been said, though I can't give the woman her due, that we draw to us those that are our emotional equals. Not our intellectual equals. Not our, consciously, perceived equals. This woman suggests that we select companions to interact with because they will provide a window, or a door, to who we are, based on who they present to us. It has been suggested that, these companions, will provide a chance for us to evolve emotionally if we can perceive the message we are sending ourselves through the mirror ( the person we have brought into our life -- be they male, female, old, young, close, or distant.) If a relationship is an arena to effect personal work, then we must accept the fact that all parties involved come in with their own baggage with the same purpose, be it conscious, or unconscious. So how does all this fit back into Anais Nin's words and the young woman's turmoil with her insecurities?

The panicked Pisces went on to say:

I don't want to push him away but I am afraid that if I am not in his face all the time he will forget about me.

We as humans have one wonderful perspective from which we view life. It is called subjectivity. Even when we think we are addressing a situation objectively, we aren't. Now, toss in an unhealthy dose of insecurity -- lack of confidence -- and we become so self-absorbed that we are in constant need of assurance -- that stimulus fix that makes us feel better, at least for the moment. But the problem is that no-one will ever be able to provide enough stimulus to make one okay. If this young woman lacked the self-awareness to assess her behavior, she could quickly evolve into an emotional vampire, and be forced to bounce from man to man, never feeling fully satisfied. And, the man, would never be allowed to be who he is. The only way a relationship can work is when both agendas brought to the partnership are allowed to play out, and those participating in the dance be strong enough to allow the truth between them to surface.

So what does Pisces do about the problem. Well, we all know the first step is to recognize that one exists. Then she must take a long, honest look at herself and decide exactly what is it about her she doesn't like. She also took a step during the writing of this column, and shared her anxieties with her new partner. Pisces knew such self-expression was a risk. Was the man capable of witnessing such honesty without taking it personally? Oh the webs we weave, but even if we drop a stitch or two along the way, taking responsibility for our own actions, feelings and projections, is a huge step in the growth process. It is also very rewarding. One gets to free themselves up to enjoy an experience without wasting the precious time with self-flagellation.

~Dr. Cynthia Kayabaker

Do you have anything going on in your world that could use an objective voice? If so, then E-mail me.